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The Implosion/Transcript
The complete transcript for The Implosion Intro {A title appears reading, "''The New Red Green Show is duct taped in front of a live studio audience". Duct tape sounds are heard in the background.}'' HAROLD GREEN: It's The New Red Green Show! {laughs} And now, please help me welcome a man who believes charity should start at home, but not when he's home, your host, your hero, my uncle, Red Green! {Red walks into the Lodge and waves as the audience cheers.} RED GREEN: Thank you very much. Thank you. Kind of a frustrating week up at the lodge this week. We got this historical society. The Possum Lake Historical Society thinks that everything should be the same way it was a hundred years ago. You know, I'll tell ya something: new is a lot of times better. You know, the advertisers say, "New and improved." You don't hear, "Old and improved," you know? Nothing ever gets old and improved. 'Cept you, Bernice. {gives a thumbs-up} HAROLD GREEN: You know, actually, Uncle Red, what I think they're doing is a very good idea. I think it's great. It's preserving our heritage. Yeah, yeah, 'cause history's– history's an excellent teacher. If you want to clue into the future, look into the past. RED GREEN: Oh, yeah? Well, Harold, if you want to clue into your future, look into the mirror. {to audience} This Historical Society, they've been calling me all week. I don't know what they want. Probably a donation. And for what? They're like a telethon without a disease, you know? {Harold pulls out a letter} I tell ya, I wouldn't give 'em a dime! I would not give 'em one dime. HAROLD GREEN: Oh, you might change your mind. RED GREEN: {looking at letter} What do you got there, Harold? HAROLD GREEN: This? RED GREEN: Yeah. HAROLD GREEN: Oh, this! Oh, yes. This is the letter from the Historical Society with a proposal that the Lodge might be deemed as a historical location. RED GREEN: {snatching letter from Harold} Oh, wow! All right! Now you're talking! HAROLD GREEN: Yes, and so are you. What were you saying? RED GREEN: Oh, uh, all right, {looking into camera} if anybody from this Historical Society is watching, I certainly hope you didn't misunderstand some of my earlier comments, but if you'd let me finish, um, what I meant was, the Lodge here is a perfect place to spend your restoration dollars. And if you do happen to check your voice mail later and hear a message from me that includes the phrase, "Up yours with a wire brush," what I was– that was really talking about a certain kind of wire brush that the pioneers used. Uh, they wou– they often would clean... The old wire brush cleanings they would do on buildings, like the lodge, which are our heritage. We inherited them. HAROLD GREEN: How can you stand there and say things that don't have a shred of truth to them? RED GREEN: Well, that's something that married people just do, Harold. {looks into camera} Except for us, Bernice! {gives a thumbs-up} Title Sequence {"The New Red Green Show" intro plays. Cut to a shot of Red trying to fix Arnie's guitar with a belt sander, only to cause it go fly off the workbench.} RED GREEN: {voiceover} Here's a few scenes from this particular episode. If you haven't decided... {Cut to a scene of Red wearing goggles and grabbing a roll of duct tape while some garden hose is on fire.} RED GREEN: {voiceover} ...whether or not to watch it, we're hoping this'll kinda push you over the top on that. {Cut to a scene inside the lodge. Red and Harold are burned and dirty, their clothes are tattered.} RED GREEN: {voiceover} We're gonna try and entertain you as long as we can. We even got something for you to drink! {Cut to the Possum Lodge Word Game about to start. Mike is the contestant.} HAROLD GREEN: {holds up a bottle of soda} A big bottle of cola! Plot Segment 2 {Harold stands in the lodge, looking at a clipboard.} HAROLD GREEN: Uh, Richardson's Music Store is looking for a piano teacher. Uh, applicant must be female, with at least 50 years experience, blue hair, and funny-smelling clothes. {Harold then flips the paper on the clipboard over as his attention is caught by Red entering the lodge with a big piece of paper in his hand. He is clearly upset.} RED GREEN: So I go against my better judgment. I let them classify the lodge as a historical site. They lay this on me! Rules and regulations, what I can do, what I can't do, how I have to maintain the integrity of the building. Why should the building have integrity when people in it don't? HAROLD GREEN: Yeah, but Uncle Red, the Historical Society's paying for all the work, aren't they? RED GREEN: Yeah, right! They'll cover one-third of the restoration cost up to a maximum of fifty dollars! Why, the roof repair alone's gonna be 500 bucks, and that's just for the duct tape! HAROLD GREEN: {singsong} Ha-ha ha-ha-ha! Ha-ha! See what happens when you don't read the fine print? RED GREEN: Yeah, you end up having your nephew work for you! Anyway, I got a better solution. I got the Historical Society to agree to declassify the lodge and leave us alone, and we've agreed to give them our old smokehouse, which is the most historical thing we have. HAROLD GREEN: What's so historical about the old smokehouse? RED GREEN: Well, Harold, back in... I think it was 1856. The first settlers came and they built that old smokehouse as kind of a crude cabin to get them through the first rough winter. Then I believe when they built a larger home, they converted that building into the smokehouse you see now. HAROLD GREEN: Oh, really? RED GREEN: Yeah, I figured. Yeah. HAROLD GREEN: Oh, oh. Well, then how come it's just, like, a prefab piece of plywood that we use as a tool shed now? Because you're LYING, that's why! RED GREEN: You know, Harold, I believe it was Abraham Lincoln who said that history is tinged with truths and half-truths that are as one. HAROLD GREEN: He never said that! You're lying again! RED GREEN: No... HAROLD GREEN: Yes! {to audience} Uncle Red is making lies! RED GREEN: No, Uncle Red is making history! {turns to leave} The Possum Lodge Word Game HAROLD GREEN: Okay, time to play the Possum Lodge Word Game! And this week, we're playing for a beauty of a prize. If you own a magic master refrigerator/freezer with self-defrosting unit and it's got the high-efficiency thermostat... {The camera pans out to reveal Red and Mike sitting at the card table.} HAROLD GREEN: ...well, then, you got the perfect place to store this week's grand prize: {holds up a bottle of cola} a big bottle of cola! Yeah, made available from Rita's Sundries and Such! Okay, Uncle Red, you have thirty seconds to get Mr. Mike Hamar to say this word... {Mike covers his eyes as well as his ears while Harold holds up the word on a sign} Serve. Serve. RED GREEN: Yeah, all right, Harold. HAROLD GREEN: {sets sign down} Thirty seconds and go! {Mike uncovers himself} RED GREEN: All right, Mike, you go into a store, and the clerk comes over and says, "Have you been...?" MIKE HAMAR: Shoplifting? RED GREEN: No, no, I... No, this is in a nice way. She says, "May I something you?" MIKE HAMAR: Strip-search? RED GREEN: All right. Okay, okay. It's a restaurant, okay? It's a restaurant. You go into the restaurant, the waitress comes over to... MIKE HAMAR: Hassle me. RED GREEN: Mike, she's friendly. She says, "Can I something you?" MIKE HAMAR: Well, how friendly is she? RED GREEN: All right, all right, all right. Remember when you lived at home, okay? Dinner was ready. Your mum would say, "Dinner is..." MIKE HAMAR: Poured? HAROLD GREEN: {checking his watch} Almost out of time, Uncle Red. RED GREEN: Yeah, yeah. Okay, okay. Mike, the outside of a police car, it says, "To something and protect." MIKE HAMAR: Oh, I don't know. I just see the headlights and then the back seat. RED GREEN: Don't you notice on the outside of the door as you're gettin' in? MIKE HAMAR: No, I'm usually unconscious. Then I have my jacket over my head when I go to jail. And I try to keep it there 'til I serve my sentence. RED GREEN: Hey! {repeatedly rings the bell to end the game} HAROLD GREEN: {handing Mike the cola} All right, a big bottle of pop! {Mike takes the cola and holds it up proudly.} Handyman Corner {Red walks out from behind a shed door with the Handyman Corner sign hanging from it. He holds a propeller in his hand.} RED GREEN: Last Saturday, I was mowing the lawn in kind of a hurry because the afternoon movie was Where Eagles Dare. Y'know, it's kind of a guy movie. Y'know, good guys, bad guys, and they make war look like fun. You gotta love that. {walks over to a workbench} Unfortunately, I was mowing the lawn at full speed, and on the last pass there, I sideswiped Bernice's cement leprechaun lawn ornament. Y'know, they say that leprechauns are lucky. {walks over to a lawn tractor} I'll tell ya, this one'll never get lucky again. {lifts up tractor, whose wheels fall off} The lawn tractor didn't fare much better. Now, some cynical people might say, "Boy, it's gotta be more than a coincidence that you wreck your old lawn tractor the day you see the new lawn tractor down at Murray's Store." But Bernice, believe me, I was upset. {sits down in tractor} I could hardly enjoy Where Eagles Dare. But you know, in the end there with Clint Eastwood, he rides off on a motorcycle sidecar? Motorcycle sidecar! By golly, looked like a lotta fun to me. Gotta figure out how to get one of these, but... {climbs out} unfortunately, I'd spent so much money on the– on the new lawn tractor that I had to find a cheap way to make myself one of these units. So basically, you got three components: you got your motor, you got a cycle, you got a sidecar. I got the motor, I got the sidecar. All's I need is the cycle. So I strung a rope across the chest height right across the bike path on here. {Suddenly, he hears someone yelling in pain and sees a bicycle rolling his way. He grabs it.} RED GREEN: Oh, boy, oh, boy, oh, boy! {looks offscreen} Oh, Harold, you're fine. Okay! All right, we're in business now. Now, usually, the motor is in the cycle part, huh? {drops bike and turns to tractor} But with me, I got the motor in the sidecar, so the project becomes real easy. All I gotta do, is weld the cycle to the sidecar. {Wipe to a later scene. Red has activated an acetylene torch, with a pair of square goggles strapped to his neck. The acetylene tank and a second tank, of oxygen, is nearby.} RED GREEN: You know, welding may look dangerous because, of course, you've got a full tank of oxygen there and a full tank of explosive acetylene. {turns down acetylene torch power} But, uh, of course, that's why they give you the safety goggles. {holds up goggles, then turns torch power back up} All right, uh, let's start by weldin' the bike to the lawn mower, and, uh... well, we're done. {Red turns toward the bicycle and the lawn tractor, which are now leaning together. Wipe to a later scene. Red is still welding the bike to the tractor. A small fire is burning part of the tractor.} RED GREEN: Almost done here. {Red lights the torch again and leans in close to the tractor and bike to weld them. Suddenly, the bike breaks in half. Red recoils in surprise.} RED GREEN: All right, uh, I may have had the torch a little hot there. This is why you always want to keep a garden hose around. {Red runs over to some garden hose, only to find it on fire. He only picks up a small piece of it with the nozzle on it.} RED GREEN: All right. No, that's... No. {drops the hose} Well, that'll burn down in no time, y'know? Uh, now's a good time to use the safety goggles, huh? They're tinted. {Red puts the goggles in front of his face and holds them there.} RED GREEN: So I'm thinkin', I'm not even gonna bother welding them on there. I'm just... {fumbles around} ...gonna use the handyman's secret weapon there. {feels a roll of duct tape and picks it up} Is this tape on fire? {looks at it} Nope. {Wipe to a later scene. Red duct-tapes the bike and the tractor together. Wipe to another later scene. Red is still wrapping the bike and tractor in tape. Wipe to yet another later scene. Red puts one last strip of tape on the bike's handlebars.} RED GREEN: All right! We're all set to go where eagles dare! {sits down on the bike seat} So remember, if the women don't find you handsome, they should at least find you handy. {turns on motor on tractor} Yep. It starts, it runs. {puts foot down on gas pedal and the motorcycle starts off quickly} It goes! It goes fast! {the vehicle zips offscreen} It turns! It doesn't turn! {the motorcycle suddenly crashes offscreen} Midlife RED GREEN: Want to take a few minutes and talk to some of you older fellows out there. You know, there comes a time in every man's life when your doctor's gonna prescribe for you a little pill, maybe for your heart, for your knee, for your back, and, like it or not, you're gonna have to take one of those pills every day for the rest of your, all of a sudden, very short life. Now, a lot of you may not react favorably to this new regiment: "It's Tuesday, so it must be time for my anti-inflammatory." But I want you to look at the bright side, all right? The biggest problem in your life right now can be solved with a pill. Think back to all the problems you had when you were younger, eh? Love, money, children, work, neighbors. Couldn't solve them with a pill! {chuckles} See, you're not gettin' older, you're gettin' better medication! So enjoy and don't forget your pills! Remember, I'm pulling for you. We're all in this together. Plot Segment 3 {Red enters, holding a sign reading "House for sale". Attached to that is another sign reading, "Smoke", placed to the left of "House".) RED GREEN: {annoyed} Man, we're going from the fry pan to the fire with this Historical Society! I wish they were history! They decided that the old smokehouse is not a historical site, because somebody told them that my story about the settlers was a lot of baloney! {Red looks toward Harold suspiciously. Harold simply tries to look innocent.} RED GREEN: Pretty much what I thought. Anyway, before they started eyeballin' the lodge again, I figured out a way to make the smokehouse into a cash donation. {holds up "for sale" sign) We're gonna sell it and then give them the money. HAROLD GREEN: Hey, that's a great idea, Uncle Red! That's terrific! And I can be the sales agent! I've seen that on TV. I've seen them on TV. I can do it. Y'know... {looks into camera} Yeah, yeah, yeah! Looking for cash? Looking to get outta town in a hurry? I'm Harold Green, and I can sell your house fast! Call 1-800-HAROLD! I'm a closer! {gives two thumbs-up; audience applauds} RED GREEN: You're a what? HAROLD GREEN: I'm a closer! {again gives the thumbs-up} RED GREEN: Well, start with your mouth. Harold, I'd rather you just kinda lay low on this deal, okay? Nobody's gonna buy this place if they know you live around here. {Harold nods and stands at attention} So if any of you are lookin' for a smokehouse, you know, a place you can smoke? Not many of them left. {chuckles} We got a good one for sale, real solid plywood. HAROLD GREEN: Oh, well, it's not real solid. RED GREEN: Well, the knots are solid. And I believe the door is pretty much rusted solid there, and, uh, got the central heating in it. HAROLD GREEN: It does? RED GREEN: Well, the wood stove's in the middle. And, uh, I think– I believe, at one time, uh, she had electricity. HAROLD GREEN: Yeah? When was that? RED GREEN: When the lightning hit it. Harold, don't be so negative, okay? You know, in the Bible, you know, there was a guy who killed the Philistines with the jawbone of an ass. You're gonna kill this sale with exactly the same weapon. {Red turns and leaves the Lodge.} Men Anonymous {The Men Anonymous meeting is about to start. Harold stands up at the podium at the head of the meeting. Red is on his left side, Dougie Franklin on his right.} HAROLD GREEN: Okay, uh, once again, it's time for the meeting of, uh, Men Anonymous, and as always, I'd like to introduce my uncle Red to lead us in the pledge. Uncle Red? {Harold steps aside as Red takes his place at the podium.} EVERYONE EXCEPT HAROLD: I'm a man, but I can change, if I have to, I guess. {Red steps away from the podium. Harold returns to his position there.} HAROLD GREEN: Very nice. Okay. All right, um, now, at this time, this is my pleasure to introduce, um, Mr. Dougie... "X", who has something to share with the group. {to Dougie} Mr. Franklin? {Harold steps away from the podium as Dougie takes his place there.} DOUGIE FRANKLIN: Thank you, Harold. Red, gentlemen, something happened to me last week that I would like to share with you. I came home from work one night and settled in for a night of TV. I had a drink in the cup holder in my armrest, I had my Lebanese hickory-smoked baba ghanoush dip on my lap, had my chips to my left, my bag of jujubes to my right, and my Ding-Dong in my top pocket. My chair was in a fully-reclined position, gentlemen, and I was in for the duration. Then it happened. 'Bout halfway through the opening theme of a TV show, I realized... phantom pains, I did not have my remote! I looked everywhere for it: under my arm, under my other arm, down in amongst the seats. My remote was nowhere to be found! For the first time in my life, gentlemen, I watched an entire hour of television without changing the channel once. {Everyone applauds.} HAROLD GREEN: Okay! All right! Excellent! Excellent! Nice! Yeah! That's not easy to do. What show did you watch for an entire hour? DOUGIE FRANKLIN: Uh, "Baywatch Salutes the Thong". Adventures With Bill Plot Segment 4 {Red enters the lodge, holding a spool of tickets. Harold stands, tuning his switcher device strapped around him.} RED GREEN: Well, we've done a total rethink on the whole smokehouse project thing. We're not gonna be able to sell it. The real estate market is too soft, and so is the ground under the smokehouse, to be honest with ya. {chuckles; holds up ticket spool} So instead, we're gonna have a lottery. HAROLD GREEN: {laughs} Uncle Red, nobody wants this smokehouse, okay? They're not gonna buy tickets for a lottery if that's the main prize. RED GREEN: Well, that's not the main prize, Mr. Jump-To-Conclusions. We're not gonna give the smokehouse away, we're gonna blow it up. The winner gets to press the button on the detonator! How many tickets can I sign you up for there, Harold? HAROLD GREEN: None! I'm against this completely on principle! That's incredible! Come on! I've got a good mind to go down there and chain myself to the building! RED GREEN: Well, it'll probably help ticket sales. Oh, come on, Harold, it's not dangerous. They've rigged the explosives so the building just kinda... falls in on itself. HAROLD GREEN: Uncle Red, if we've learned anything from this history I'm trying to preserve, it's that senseless destruction is robbing our future generations of its birthright. RED GREEN: Well, okay, fine. That shouldn't interfere with my right to the pursuit of happiness, Harold. We have laws in this country, and these laws are meant to guarantee us the greatest freedom in the world, Harold. That's our legacy. That's our great tradition. And now, if you'll excuse me... I gotta go blow up a building. {leaves the lodge} If It Ain't Broke, You're Not Trying {Red walks out into the Lodge basement from a corner and heads over to a workbench.} RED GREEN: This is the repair shop part of the show we call, "If It Ain't Broke, You're Not Trying." Arnie Dogan's here with somethin' for us to fix. What do you got there, Arnie? ARNIE DOGAN: {places his guitar on workbench} Well, Red, I was hopin' you can fix my guitar. RED GREEN: Well, maybe it doesn't look too bad. What's wrong with it? ARNIE DOGAN: Well, it doesn't have any character, eh? All the big stars, they got guitars with character. RED GREEN: Oh... ARNIE DOGAN: Willie Nelson, his is all hacked up. I heard he got it specially tuned to his voice, eh? RED GREEN: Oh, yeah... ARNIE DOGAN: And that B.B. King, he named his guitar. A special name, he called it Lucille. RED GREEN: Well, then, maybe you should name your guitar, Arnie. ARNIE DOGAN: Oh, I'm way ahead of you there, Red. I call it Doug. See, I wanna get away from that sexist stuff. RED GREEN: Yeah. Well, what do you like me to do with it? ARNIE DOGAN: Well, maybe just scuff it up a little, put some stickers on it or somethin'. Maybe make it look like it's been on the road tourin' with me. RED GREEN: All right, well, why don't you hang onto her there. {Arnie holds the head of his guitar.} ARNIE DOGAN: All right, I got her. RED GREEN: {picking up belt sander} We'll just drop the belt sander on her a couple of times. Hang onto Doug! {Arnie grips his guitar's head as tight as he can while Red places the belt sander onto the guitar. Red turns the sander on. Suddenly, the guitar flies out of Arnie's grip, flies off the workbench and lands on the ground with a crash. Both Red and Arnie recoil from the shock.} RED GREEN: Oh, darn! Oh, boy, oh, boy! {Red picks up the guitar, with only the front face of it intact.} RED GREEN: Oh, it's... Arnie, I, uh... You know, I think we've done it. It sure looks like it's been on the road. ARNIE DOGAN: {taking guitar piece} But do you think it's more me now? RED GREEN: Well, it's certainly tuned to your voice. It's flat! Plot Segment 5 {The front door of the lodge opens and smoke billows into it. Red and Harold enter, walking unevenly. They both look tattered, very dirty and covered in various small pieces of wood. Red coughs.} RED GREEN: Well, now we know why they call it a smokehouse. HAROLD GREEN: Coulda been a firehouse or a flying-debris house! What the heck went wrong there, Uncle Red? RED GREEN: Well, Edgar set the charges wrong! Y'know, we wanted an im''plosion; we got an ''ex''plosion. He figured it was a typo! '''HAROLD GREEN:' I just figured the building was gonna fall over. I didn't expect the entire thing to rocket outta the ground like that! RED GREEN: Well, see, that old plywood is solid. I mean, she really held together, eh? HAROLD GREEN: Oh, yeah, a bonus there. RED GREEN: Yeah. HAROLD GREEN: It was weird, though, to see this whole building tumbling across the sky. It made an eclipse over our heads when it passed over. RED GREEN: Yeah. I was afraid it was gonna come down on the main road, but luckily, she caught a favorable wind and headed into town. But, uh, what building did it actually hit down there? HAROLD GREEN: Uh, Historical Society building. So they're thinking about closing the whole place down now. They figured it's bad for their image if the Historical Society can't preserve their own building, you know. RED GREEN: Well, that's a shame. I guess I'll just hang onto the cash from the tickets there until they make up their mind. {The "Squeal of the Possum" sounds.} HAROLD GREEN: Meeting time, Uncle Red. RED GREEN: Yeah, you go ahead, Harold, I'll be down in a minute, eh? {Harold leaves} All right, uh... {turns to camera} Now, if my wife is watching, I'll be coming straight home after the meeting, and, uh, now that we got no Historical Society, if I'm the old thing you're trying to preserve, you're gonna have to do it all on your own! And to the rest of ya, thanks for watching, and on behalf of myself and Harold and the whole gang up here at the Lodge, you keep your stick on the ice. {Red turns and heads for the Lodge basement. Wipe to the Lodge Meeting, about to start. Harold is standing up at the front of the meeting. Red joins him there.} HAROLD GREEN: Sit down. Sit down. {The crowd sits down.} HAROLD GREEN: All rise. {The crowd stands up and puts their arms over their chests.} EVERYONE: Quando Omni Flunkus Moritati. RED GREEN: Sit down. {Everyone sits, but Red and Harold remain standing.} HAROLD GREEN: Excellent. Um... {reads from clipboard in hands} This is our first announcement... {to Red} You okay there? RED GREEN: Yep. HAROLD GREEN: {looking at clipboard} Okay, this is our first announcement, okay? The Alliston brothers have been remanded until next month, and Jimmy Grissel is out on bail, and Joey Featherstone got probation, so, uh, the team photo for the Possum Lake Hockey League is on for tonight. All right? Now, if we don't do it tonight, it might be three to five before everybody's available again. So it's tonight.